Frustratedly Thankful

Chalk it up to Jason's week long absence or the hormonal swings, but I'm feeling rather down today. I feel selfish. I keep wanting to go get a pedicure, or buy some new jeans. I want to do something for ME. Just because. But because mine is the only family income now, every dollar counts. Literally. And its one more thing added to the list. I feel like a horrible person because we are supposed to be saving money for possible IVF and we are broke and bills need to be paid and I'm mad because I want eyelash extensions. I would normally write this in my journal but the website I write on has magically lost my information... and everything I've written. Fabulous. I'm frustrated that a girl I know keeps complaining about how horrible her kids are and how she told me while she was 6 months pregnant with their third and while knowing what we are dealing with found it prudent and necessary to tell my husband to get a vasectomy. And to tell me that we should be thankful we don't have kids yet.

I had my first real lash out at a person a couple weeks ago in church. Mostly I just laugh it off when people ask if we have kids. I've even gone as far as to point out that the screaming toddlers in the halls aren't mine and isn't that awesome. For whatever reason, this lady got the angry, bitter, infertile me. We were in groups of three discussing a passage from the lesson and the lady said to me

 "Oh, you must be new. I've never really met you." 

"Um... nope. Been here for 8 months now." (We have MET before...twice.)

"Oh, ok. So how many kids do you have?"  

Note: Normally this doesn't really bother me... its kind of the SOP. You get married, you have kids. 

"None yet, not for lack of trying! ha ha" as I try to change the subject.

"Oh... you must be newlyweds. How long have you been married?"

"Two years."

"Well why don't you have any kids then!?!"

Oh lady... you had it coming.

"Actually... I'm infertile. I can't have kids. Doctors don't know why yet either. But hey, those screaming brats in the hall, not mine! HA!"

**total silence**

It felt amazing. I laughed about it for the rest of the class, until I made it home and collapsed crying in the bedroom. I don't WANT to take joy in being rude, but I did. I don't WANT to be infertile, but I am. Sometimes, angry and bitter me comes out and I can't do much to stop her. But at least, for once, it shut someone up. 

Now after recapping that incident I'm still here halfway between laughing and crying. I know, its dumb. I blame the hormones... that I'm not currently taking. Clomid and injectables stick around for a few months right?? I sort of have an excuse?

I know I sound all morose and cranky. I do have things I'm thankful for every day. I'm thankful that I have a job that supports us both. I'm thankful for tiny miracles and surprise gifts that allow me to pay my bills on time. I'm thankful for two working and decent vehicles that seem to have unending gas supplies when I have no money in the account and the gas light is on. (No joke.. I drove around for two days with it on. My guardian angels are pretty much amazing.) I'm thankful that even though some of my IG girls are taking breaks from ttc or have gotten pregnant they still care and still love me despite my huge flaws and twisted sense of humor. I'm thankful that my husband is on a trip with his brothers and that our finances worked out so he could go and spend the time with his best friend and siblings doing what he loves most in the place he calls home. I'm thankful for parents who love me and let me spend the week with them so I'm not alone in an empty house while he is gone, and especially for a mother who hates when he returns each time because it feels like I'm moving out all over again and a father who lets me talk his ears off during his tv shows and ate the dinner I made even though it was gross. I'm thankful to know what it feels like to be pregnant for a day. I'm thankful to have two grandmas and a grandpa still alive that are amazing. I'm thankful that we have too many places to go on holidays because it means we have lots of people we love who all want us around. I'm thankful for a husband who loves me enough to let me be me. I never thought marriage would be so fulfilling and wonderful- I expected it would be something that would be ok but not amazing. I never expected to find someone who could really love me for just me. I'm thankful that my best friend is having her baby possibly tonight so I can kiss the sweet angel and whisper to her all the things I want her to know- how much she is loved and how excited we all are to have her here. How much I can't wait to meet her favorite playmates that she left behind to finish their preparations to come to earth and be my sweet babies. How much her mom and dad prayed and worried and begged for her to come at the right time and with a complete and healthy body. How she is a daughter of God and she is valued and precious and amazing and has limitless potential. All the things I'll whisper to our sweet miracles when they get here. I'm thankful that we still have hope.