I Let Go

Here I sit, sipping my Alka-Seltzer and nibbling chocolate on our 24th consecutive CD1. For the first time in two years I am not sad. I am not in pain. I have very little cramping. I don't know why... but this time it didn't hurt to not be pregnant. Last month was so brutal as were the two months before it. This month, I didn't hope as much. I still wished, I still wanted, but I didn't expect. I didn't linger over it. I didn't let it control me. I let go, and I gave up the need to control it. I have been reading this talk today, and my soul is filled with hope. Not empty expectations, but hope for something better. Hope for a positive outcome. It may not been soon, but it will be there. Last month we had General Conference- two days filled with uplifting messages from the leaders of the Church. There was SO much I needed to hear. One talk in particular, was about depression. It isn't something talked about much in our church, but the speaker, who I love with all my heart, spoke of it in a way to not only raise awareness but to show that depression is real and affects everyone at some point or another. I have been incredibly depressed for the last two years about this baby making business. It started to affect my marriage, and my job. It was hard to get up in the morning. It was hard to want to live. But I feel so much more hope now. I love Elder Holland's words:

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

I wish that more people knew about our struggles. I wish I was brave enough to be more open and to bring more awareness. I wish I could make it not hurt as badly for all of us. I wish we could fix our bodies and have different struggles- like too many dirty diapers. But I wish most that I could find a way to help everyone feel the love of our Savior and the comfort and peace I feel when I let go and put this in His capable, eternal hands.