Not My Will, But Thine

Well.... we are NOT pregnant. For the entire week prior to the beta I would have sworn we were. It was an interesting two week wait for sure. The morning of the beta I was so confident that we were pregnant I almost called and cancelled it just to wait for a few days and enjoy the lack of AF. Seriously, I got to be "pregnant" (in my head) for a whole day. And it was amazing, even if it wasn't true. It FELT true to me though. So, someday, when I am pregnant for real, I know what that joy might feel like. And it is entiretly worth the wait. Perfectly timed, as usual, was a blog update from one of my lovely IG girls, Chelsea. I know that everyone thinks that they know how hard this infertility stuff is. In fact, one of my sisters in law, who happens to be my favorite one of them all, mentioned to me at around our one year mark that she too understands because it took them six months to get pregnant once. (Family, if you're reading this, sorry, I 

have favorites, but I love you all.) I'm not saying that people can't be understanding of it, but unless you've been told that you might not ever have kids or that they don't know why you can't seem to get or stay pregnant... you don't have a clue. The instagram ttc community has been huge for me- finally having those friends who really get it. I needed that, I was feeling really alone for a long time. I have three friends "in real life" that have dealt with IF in one way or another, but sometimes I needed to be able to vent anonymously or over share with people I didn't really know.


Anyway, totally got off topic there. Chelsea wrote in her blog about how she was listening to a podcast of a Pastor and he had mentioned "if you follow God, expect to be disappointed." At first that kind of made me mad, seriously?! God doesn't disappoint!!! He always follows through! But then I kept reading.. and he had a point. I hope she doesn't mind, but I'll share the rest of her thoughts on that. See her blog here.


"The reason being is that we serve a God that is SO great, so powerful and we know that He COULD do ANYTHING He wanted. And when He doesn’t, we are disappointed. Confused. We still trust Him, or at least we should, but that disappointment and letdown stings. He used the example of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (when Lazarus was sick). Can you imagine being friends with Jesus, having Him over for dinner, hanging out, chillin’? (I am sure Jesus appreciates me using the word “chilli’” to describe Him. But doesn’t He totally seem like He would just sit back, relax with friends, laugh at how totally surprisedthat blind guy was when He could see again. He was HUMAN. He chilled.) I digress. Anyways, so here you have Jesus’ close friends, ones described in the Bible as people he loved and one of them gets really sick. His sisters have been watching Christ’s ministry. They have seen so many healings and it probably seems silly to worry about their brother at this point. Just call Jesus! They say. Let Him know Lazarus is sick. Martha probably went back into the kitchen at that point to cook up a stew for Him to eat when He got there. And Jesus gets the message. He hears His friend is sick. And what does He do? He stays. Right where He was. And Lazarus dies. Failed expectations. Four days later, Jesus shows up. And Martha simply says ““Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Talk about being honest and direct with the Lord about failed expectations! I love it. How many times have I cried out to Him simply saying “God, if you would have answered my prayers, my baby would still be here.”; “God, if you had intervened, you could have prevented this miscarriage.”; “God, if you had been here, I wouldn’t have needed this surgery.”; “God, if you would just touch me, I would be healed.” Honesty. I think it’s something that we can lack in our walk sometimes. We THINK about how hurt we are with Him for not answering our prayers, but how often do we say, Lord, if you had … then…He knows our hearts. I think her reaction was so beautifully appropriate. And Jesus response to Martha wasn’t “How dare you speak to me like that! I know what I could have done!” He answers with love, telling her that her brother would rise again. Then Mary comes out of the house weeping and does the same thing. “Jesus! If you would have been there, then …” And Jesus again, doesn’t scold her for talking to Him like that. In fact, His reaction breaks my heart. “When Jesus saw her weeping … he was deeply moved in his spirit… Then Jesus wept.” (John 11) He wept in His humanness over the loss of His friend. Even though He had the power to save Him, He hadn’t and even though He knew the grand plans, He wept. I believe strongly that when we wept, when our expectations are let down, when we cry out why, Jesus joins us in our weeping. But the story doesn’t stop there. In John 11, Jesus tells the sisters “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” He went to the tomb, rolled away the stone and said “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” And Lazarus was the first man raised from the dead by Jesus. You see – Jesus was healing people, but He needed to prove that He was the man of God. And this resurrection is what helped led people to believe. (John 11:45) I share all of this for a simple reason – and it’s one that struck me again last week and is one I have to carry in my heart each day – when it seems that God doesn’t provide for us the way we hoped, we HAVE to remember that God doesn’t share our perspective. And because of that, His plans aren’t always going to line up with ours. But He will come. He will be with us. He will weep. And then, when the time is right, His glory will be shown. I truly believe that."

During the same weeks we were waiting for our beta test, a close friend of mine was going through another trial. She and her husband have been trying to adopt for almost two years. They suffer from both male factor and female infertility and have been told that the only way for them to have a child is adoption. They just got recertified, and had decided that if they still hadn't had a single birth mother contact them with the possibility of a child by the next time they need to recertify they would go ahead with the decision to live without children and be ok with it and learn to love it. Her sweet husband (who I met her through.. a couple dates in high school and now I talk to his wife every day... go figure. I know it was a tender mercy that I knew him and was able to share our struggles and thus we would both gain a friend years later) and she were getting to the point that they had no hope, and they were sad but ok with the prospect of finally having a decision and being able to attempt the childless lifestyle. While I was in Utah she sent me a text- a birthmother had chosen them and was due any day. They were overjoyed, to say the very least! Time passed and they told their friends and family the good news, everyone was excited. Birth mom had started having contractions and they were eagerly waiting for the news from her next OB appointment. Suddenly, and without telling them a thing, birth mom went into labor and had an emergency c-section. Pressured by her family to keep the baby as she had done with her other two, she made the decision to keep this sweet baby boy. The devastation, sorrow, anger and pain is immeasurable. The loss they feel is something similar to a miscarriage, or so I'm told. It may take years before the pain ever starts to heal, and it may never go away. As I sat and cried with Jason over our friends' loss, I realized something. These trials, however awful, are all here to make us stronger. They are made to make us cry out to our Father in Heaven and say "Why? Why haven't you given me what was promised?" The answer is always the same.. "Child... its coming." Since we are not pregnant and our finances do not allow us to pursue further treatment at this time... all I can do is say "Ok Father... not my will... but Thine." Do what YOU will with me... because I don't have a clue what is coming next. Since learning that, the peace I have felt is amazing. I still cry, I still hurt, but I don't feel empty. I don't feel hopeless. I do still think at times that maybe we aren't meant to be parents, and that is ok if that is what is supposed to happen... Only time will tell us. But I know that no matter what, we are in His hands. He is the Shepherd and he knows us each by name, and He will guide us to wherever we need to be.