Plan.... Q? (I think that's the letter we are on now!)

I can't believe we are public now! I'll be more careful what I write so I don't have to edit as many posts (ha ha ha). I promised updates and an update you shall have...

After walking out of Dr. Z's office I had a REALLY rough afternoon. I didn't go back to work and while I sat on the couch that evening I told Jason how frustrated I was and how "I can't pull the wagon!" (kudos if you know that film reference) and how helpless I feel. I even expressed how angry I was with God because of how far we had come and how we had always done everything He asked during this journey and still came up empty handed  wombed. I know our journey hasn't been as long as some, but we went for two years without almost any break where we tried every single cycle and have been medicated for almost half of those months. I wanted Jason to remember that nice, sweet, happy girl he married instead of this crazy medicated beast I had become. That night I laid in bed and poured my heart out in prayer that some sort of solution would come, because I knew we would NEVER be able to scrape together $15,000+ meds + other fees. I started an internet search and saw an ad for "Mini-IVF" cycles. I looked up the statistics and they were pretty comparable to regular IVF, but much less expensive and less invasive. I showed everything to Jason Friday night and we decided I would call for more information this week. I went to the Temple with my friend Sarah on Saturday and while I was there I prayed a LOT. I sat in the Celestial Room and just tried to "be still" and listen to whatever He had to say to me. I felt a huge peace and reassurance come over me that this would be our next step. I felt hope. I felt joy. I felt relief! Then the following day our Relief Society lesson was all about moving forward and leaving the past behind us. The sweet lady teaching used examples from a talk from Jeffery R. Holland that was all about Lot's wife and her inability to look forward instead of looking back with a longing for the past. He says "The past is to be learned from, but not lived in." His wife also said "The future holds everything for us." I took a few notes and this is what I wrote down as my goals for this year:

Look forward with a "perfect brightness of hope" (2 Nephi 31:20)

Cast out FEAR & DOUBT

Let go of the "why nots" and focus on the "yes, it wills"

Let go of faithlessness and strengthen the testimony of hope!!!!

I don't have a clue what this year holds for us, but it is a NEW year. Every day I wake up is a new opportunity for hope- hope for a better day, hope for a pregnancy, hope for a miracle. I hope that no matter where we end up, we always hang onto that hope we have, not the doubt we are giving up!

I called the clinic yesterday and the amazing coordinator helped me get all the paperwork I needed. We will have our consult soon and plan to do the Mini IVF in the spring. Christmas baby, maybe?? :) :) :)

PS: If anyone wants to volunteer to give me the shots I'll need before and after let me know!! Otherwise I'll be doing it... and I'm not so great at it.