I just spoke to the coordinator from the office we will be using for our MIVF (mini-IVF) and I got some great news! Anyone who has had to chart bbt knows what a hassle it can be- setting your alarm every single day and trying so hard not to roll too much or stir and cause a false temp spike- its a pain!!! I thought to myself that since we know I'm not going to get pregnant on our own, why the heck am I setting a 5am alarm every.single.day. to take my temps? I asked the coordinator and she said I don't have to anymore! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Sounds really dumb, but the bbt fluctuations have given me a lot of false hope over the past few months.
"Oooooo it's CD 17, 7dpo, is that temp drop an implantation drop?! I think my boobs are sore! Yup, definitely more hungry and tired than normal. YAY!!! Finally pregnant... oh how will we tell our parents?! Well (holiday) is next week so I can get a (onesie, photo frame, crafty little doodad I made from recycled toilet paper rolls and fabric scraps that I saw on Pinterest) and it will be awesome!!!"
4 days later: "Crap! Its 11dpo and the temp is dropping! Maybe it will come back up in the morning!!
Those can't be AF cramps. I bet the baby is just implanting late! Oh... crap... AF is here."
I completely admit that I am overly dramatic. Little things always seem to send my stress levels soaring. This waiting has darn near sent me into psychosis. For example, the other night we were laying in bed. It had been a REALLY slow Sunday and so I'd had way too much time to google baby crap and wish and ponder and overthink my entire plan. I felt so overwhelmed I started to cry. As this happens, oh, 4 or so times a week, Jason wasn't really bothered by it but was still concerned. When he asked what was wrong, my response was "I don't want to do IVF anymore." He cuddled up next to me with the roll of toilet paper we keep by the bed for just such occasions, and tried to figure out why I was backing out. It all started during sacrament meeting in church. My thought process had gone something like this.
"I'm so excited for IVF. I'm so excited to be a mom!! Wow.. that guy in front of us has two kids on his lap and two on either side. I'm so glad that's not me! I'd go nuts! Oh... wait... that won't ever be us anyway. I really did want four kids... now we will be lucky to have one! This sucks... "
hours pass and I'm laying in bed after pondering that bit of realization and I have spent the day comparing my fertilityfriend charts to those on the website and googling the crap out of "mini IVF success rates."
"Well, it doesn't matter. We're going to implant two embryos and then we'll have twins and even if we can never do IVF again I'll still have two babies. I really don't want twins though.What if we get one of each gender?! Where are we going to move all of the office stuff? Oh my gosh, if we have twins its almost certain I'll need a C-section. I don't want a c-section! I don't even want to give birth in a hospital!! I don't want to have twins! But if I don't have twins I will have an only child! I don't want an only child! I was a lonely kid and I was a weirdo! I don't want my baby to be a weirdo! What if we don't get extra eggs to freeze?! What if we don't even get any good eggs? What if my crappy eggs don't even fertilize! Oh my goodness this whole thing is hopeless! What are we doing?! Why is this even an option?! This is so much money to spend! I just want to give back all our donations. I feel so guilty for taking their money. I feel even more guilty that I asked for it! This is crazy. We just aren't meant to have kids. At least then we could travel and relax. But if I don't have kids I don't have a reason to quit my job and I'll have to work forever! I don't want to work forever! And I don't want twins! But I don't not want twins either! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh JASON!!!!!"
Suffice it to say, the man thinks I'm crazy. And I am. My thoughts move a mile a second and tend to build until they explode. I hear this is a female trait- husbands/boyfriends, you're welcome. I just decoded the female mind for you. Good luck staying one step ahead hahaha!!
Its crazy to think we are having a consult for Mini IVF in just a few days. I never ever thought we would be in this boat, but I'm glad I'm not alone! Thank goodness for friends who let me vent. After next week we will have a firm date of when we start and also when to order meds. Oh injectables... you make me even crazier. Yay for shots? Sometimes I wish I was a drinker... I could use a few alcohol shots right about now!! Thank goodness its Friday!!!
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