Support and Stress

Hello everyone! (all... what... five of you?) Today is Monday... no bueno haha. Jason was up at 3:30am to leave for Scout Camp with his deacons. I tossed and turned until my alarm at 7am, laid in bed til almost 7:30am and I'm sitting at my desk praying that the Five Hour energy shot tides me over til lunch time. Yesterday was an eye opening day for me. Let's be honest, that is EVERY day lately! I have been praying for inspiration and to have an open heart. My upcoming surgery has me mentally complaining a lot- I HATE hospitals and anesthesia and surgery. I was mentally lamenting that I am pissed off that I have to have a second surgery. I teach the 15-16 year old kids with another lady in my ward (church group). We only had two of our twelve kids yesterday, and since it is only my third week I am still getting to know the kids. They are amazing! Such strong, bright and sweet spirits. One of the girls has been gone for months, and she had a cast on. I asked her what happened. She was in a quad accident in May where she flew off and her foot was caught in the wheel. She just had a scratch, so she didn't think anything of it. The next morning her foot was black, and when she went to Urgent Care they told her to just keep icing it (?!?!) and it would be fine. The following week she couldn't even make it through school without pain meds, and she forgot them one day. She went to the nurse and when the nurse unwrapped the bandage and saw how bad her foot looked she sent her straight to the ER, where a few hours later she was admitted for surgery. Since then she has had a total of 7 surgeries- the final one was a skin graft to replace the skin they had to remove because of the massive infection. She is so incredibly strong!!! I'm complaining about two surgeries in one year and she had seven in three months!! They told her that if she had waited two more days she would've lost her foot. I'm complaining about a little extra lining and she would've had to amputate her foot. Sure put things in perspective.

I was talking with my sister in law yesterday. They have three adorable kids, and she was saying how they want three more and they are planning to get pregnant either at the end of this year or the beginning of next. She is an amazing mother and I have no jealousy or bitterness about her situation whatsoever... but it did leave me thinking. What would it be like to just plan to get pregnant at a certain time and actually have it happen? What does it feel like to plan on having x number of children? Right now I can barely wrap my head around wanting one, let alone the four that I had originally planned on. It just seems so unreal that it would ever be possible. There are quite a few of the IG girls that have gotten their BFPs this month and I am so excited for them! It is so interesting, the difference in my feelings towards women and their pregnancy announcements. If they have been ttc for over a year, have faced a struggle with it at all, I am so excited and say prayers of thanks that their burdens were lifted. If they have a ton of kids, and complain about them daily and then are "so excited" to be pregnant again, I get pretty bitter an angry. I ask Heavenly Father why it is that those women who seem to loathe motherhood and hate being pregnant are blessed with something that they take for granted? I know that there are blessings that I receive that I take for granted that others would die for, but this one thing seems to be a really big issue for me. I have prayed many times to not feel angry or upset when someone I feel is undeserving of such blessings is pregnant. Matthew 7:1 and also 3 Nephi 14:1 both remind us that we shouldn't judge people because we wouldn't want to be judged by others either. I am constantly reminding myself of that. I wouldn't want someone who is praying to be married to look at me and say "how is it fair that she gets to be married and I don't" or someone who is praying to buy a house to look at me and say "how is it fair that she gets to buy a house and I'm unable to." Even something as simple as a homeless person looking at me and saying "how is it fair that she has a roof over her head, a family that loves her and food to eat and I don't?" My goal is to be thankful for everything- the big blessings and the little ones. They all come from God. I need to seek out the blessings I have and be thankful. I want to start a complaining journal, where I write my complaints in it, and then replace them with reasons I am thankful :)