Be still, and know that I am God. Psalms 46:10

This week has been unusually hard. I have many friends my age who I grew up with that are all married and having babies now, most of them more than one. I have had three of my ttc sisters on IG announce their BFPs this week as well. (I really need to do a terminology page for those of you who aren't in the ttc community!) I have never been more happy for someone in my life than I am for these sweet ladies who have fought for, prayed over and waited so long to get their BFP. But, as a friend said last week, there is always a small part of me that whispers "When will it be my turn?" I'm not jealous- I know that these women deserve the amazing blessings of healthy pregnancies and motherhood. I would not steal that joy away from anyone to have it for myself. That being said... I still feel a little ache in my heart when I get the news. Does that mean I don't want to hear it? Of course not!!! I LOVE it when a sweet couple who has been waiting so long has their prayers answered and the desires of their hearts become a reality! I am so thankful to be a part of their happiness with them! I know that someday, whether in this life or the next, I will have those same blessings, those same joys. Sometimes I just let Satan in a little too much and he overwhelms me with his negativity. Early this morning around 1AM, as I lay awake sleeplessly tossing and turning, my heart ached. I had so much negativity in my mind it was weighing down on my soul and I could not get comfortable or calm my thoughts enough to sleep. I had already had our nightly couples prayer with Jason, and he was fast asleep as his early morning alarm approached. I begged and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to get rid of all of the little voices that said I would never be a mother and that told me I would never be more than a failure. I felt such peace that I fell asleep finally relaxed and worry free. Of course, that was shattered by a sweet puppy who had to use the grass outside... but maybe that was another sign that I'm being prepared for the sleepless nights of early motherhood? I can wish right? When Jason woke up for work at 3am, I went right back to sleep feeling more than a little guilty that I was getting another four hours of sleep. Ha! Tank woke me up again at 5:30... and I couldn't go back to sleep. I wasn't tired. I was feeling... lazy. Unmotivated to greet the day. I got a few very kind texts and IG messages from my lovely ttc sisters (who really do make the days so much brighter for me!) and decided that if I wasn't going to sleep surely I could afford to spend some time reading my scriptures and thanking Heavenly Father for the sleep I did get and for His comfort. I was instructed by 2 Nephi 32:3 to "feast upon the words of Christ, for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do." I then read some more, and prayed that Jason and I would both have good days, be safe and that I would be able to find peace. I also made sure to pray for all of my IG girls who are waiting for beta tests, IUI/IVF results and other tests. My heart is with you sweet ladies!!! Seriously... my IG girls are the strongest women I know. I am so blessed to have them! Anywho... I'm rambling again... sorry. I got to work and I've been reading more scripture. I remembered the scripture in Psalms that says to just be still, but I couldn't remember the verse or exact psalm number. I looked it up, and came across this song called "Be Still and Know That I Am God" by Janice Kapp Perry. She has written a number of hymns and musical pieces that I love. The lyrics are:

1. In times of deepest trial,

I plead to find relief.

On bended knee I seek thee

And pray I may find peace.

And in that darkest hour comes the solace I have sought.

I hear the faintest whisper:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

2. I raise my eyes to heaven,

I feel thy presence near

And know that one who loves me

Has heard my searching prayer.

Thy gentle voice reminds me life’s battles must be fought.

I hear thee now more clearly:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

3. I rise with sweet assurance;

My pain to thee is known.

Thou knowest of my suff’ring;

I do not walk alone.

Thy perfect love has healed me, because I have been taught

By one who bore all sorrows:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

All of the women I have met through infertility are prayerful, Godly women- both in real life and on IG. All of them are so uplifting with their thoughts, kind words and their faith. They are such examples to me in this time of trial that we are all sharing. I have never really had close friends outside my own faith- mostly due to where I live and the fact that most of my family are members.It is so good to know that there are so many amazing Christian women out there who are willing to bear one another's burdens and comfort those who need it. I have come to the conclusion that all we can do is be still... and know that God is in control. I needed these women, and I hope that I can also be a source of strength for them. Jason and I laugh that most of my conversations start out "One of my IG girls.." lately. If I have to go through this trial, I know that I wouldn't want to do it any other way than with these amazing women. If I can help one person feel less alone or afraid while going through this trial, then all of our struggles and heartaches are worth it. Sorry for the long ramble. Love you girls so much. Thank you for your strength and companionship. Thank you for your friendships and willingness to love!!! The world is a better place because of all of you!