Depressed

My head hurts. My soul aches. Sleep is a scary thing because my mind likes to taunt me with the images of my little bumblebees in child form. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. Yes, I'm a dramatic person. No, you don't get to judge me for it. I've had theses two songs on repeat for the last week. The second one kept repeating over and over in my head all day waiting for my pregnancy test. Now every time I hear it all I can hear is "You're the one(s) that I love, and I'm saying goodbye." I really would've followed you anywhere little ones...

I feel faithless. I don't even know if that's a good word for it, because I believe in Father and my Savior. I just don't believe that dreams come true. I don't believe in hope. I guess that makes me hopeless... oh the irony. I could spend all day with my nieces and nephews- their hugs are therapy.

I am so sick of hearing "why don't you just adopt?!" One.. we don't feel like it's right for us right now. Two, its more expensive than IVF. And just like everything else, its not a guarantee. Birth mothers change their minds, or never choose you at all. You're considered selfish if you limit your preferences to a child of your own race or certain age limits because you want a child who looks like you. That doesn't make me selfish. That makes me human.

"Down"- Jason Walker

I don't know where I'm at

I'm standing at the back

And I'm tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I'm missing way too much

So when do I give up what I've been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

I can't find another way around

And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

"Say Something" - A Great Big World

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you