Letter to my little one

Dear sweet angel of mine,

I started a letter to you when I was just seven weeks along. I was sitting in the rocking chair gliding back and forth cradling my sore, swollen belly and singing to you. The only words I typed were "as I'm sitting here, seven weeks long and..." before something distracted me and I put down my phone to do whatever it was. Looking back, that was your last week alive, possibly the last time I rocked you while your perfect little spirit was still nestled in your broken body. We had seen you only once, and had yet to heart the sweet sound of your tiny beating heart. I would give anything to go back to that day and to stay in that chair rocking you and singing to you. Today will be a day added to the list of them I won't forget. March 15th, the day we put you back in my belly after seeing you for the first time. March 31st, the day I took a pregnancy test and got my first ever positive and your daddy and I cried for joy and spent a small fortune buying "one more test" after another, "just to be sure." We told your Grandma and Grandpa Garner about you too.  April 1st, the day we told Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Phil that you were coming. April 14th, we saw you for the first time. April 28th, we heard your tiny heartbeat.  May 12th, the day we were told that your heart had stopped beating and that you were not going to be our Christmas present after all. May 23rd, the day I began the miscarriage process and ended the night watching your tiny, barely formed body slip from the safety of my womb into the world- a moment preceded by full contractions I never expected to feel. I could even time them on my phone. I had always wanted a home birth, so I guess it's only fitting that I caught you in my hands. I then proceeded to spend the entire night awake and in pain- just as if I had given birth to you full term. I'm thankful for that memory. I had lain awake in bed the night before sobbing because I couldn't bear the thought of having you removed forcibly from my body while I was under anesthesia and thankfully you agreed to come on our own terms. Finally, today, May 19th. Your daddy painted a beautiful tiny casket for you. I lined the inside with soft fluff and wrapped you in a piece of fabric from what would have been one of your baby blankets I was sewing. Your daddy didn't see you, but I couldn't stop looking at you. I could see your tiny little head and one of your tiny arms was outstretched with the makings of a hand and fingers already there. I kissed your body gently then we closed the lid and sealed it shut to keep you safe. We drove to the cemetery and after reading the signs (which, by the way, said nothing about rules against burying tiny boxes) we buried you right above your grandpa. For the sake of keeping you hidden we will keep his last name a secret, but we both him now don't we? I hope he gets to hold you and that he tells you about your mommy and daddy. It ripped my heart out to hide you like a secret and to leave you buried in the cold, damp earth. Daddy and I said a prayer over you and I felt so much peace. There are people who will tell me I am crazy for burying you there. That I am weird and strange for needed that experience. I don't care. If someone judges a grieving mother their opinion doesn't matter anyway.  I know you are safe. I know you will never feel pain or anxiety or sorrow. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you. Daddy and I both felt that you were a boy, but forgive us for not giving you a name. We feel like you will tell us your name when we pass through the veil and see you again. Daddy bought me a stuffed elephant to remind me of you, and I picked out a tiny elephant necklace. When we told your Gigi about you she thought your ultrasound photo was a photo of an elephant, so elephants are special to us now. How thankful I am for my knowledge of the gospel and to know that you are ours for all eternity. I love you my little one. You will always be my first child. No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. Just like the quote says, "After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Love now and forever,

Your mommy